Before I became a corporate communications coach, I was an actress. Like many actors, I went to LA. Everyone had told me I would hate LA. I'm not exactly sure why, but it was great. There were actors, screenwriters, producers, casting agents and directors everywhere. It seems that every person I met was connected to the film industry in some way. This meant that no matter where you went, you had to be ready. Then I realized why people may not like LA. There was this pressure to connect with everybody. Because as one of my friends told me, "You never know who can help you." Some people I connected with and some I didn't. I wondered how I could connect with more. At first, I resigned myself to the thought that some people connect with some people you don't, so be it. But then I learnt the skills that now help me connect with almost everyone. If you do have these skills and you can connect, you should, shouldn't you? What if you had a way to connect with almost everyone? What if you had a set of skills which could help people feel comfortable with you? What if you knew how to win someone over even when you felt you'd lost them? That would be pretty helpful, wouldn't it? Which brings us to the R word, rapport. When people know, like and trust you. When you're socializing, rapport is great. You get on with lots of people. But at work, why is building rapport so important? It's very simple, when you like someone, you trust them, and everything happens more quickly with trust. Plus, it's more enjoyable. Let me be more direct, nothing happens without rapport. Have you noticed that when you're with your close friends or people you know really well, you connect naturally, you feel at ease, you have a way that you speak and behave with them. At times you catch yourself thinking the same thing, saying the same things, you may even laugh in the same way. You will naturally connect with people who are like you. How do you connect with people who aren't? It comes down to one principle, as Laurence's said, "People like people who are like them." They feel safer, more accepted, more relaxed, and more open to people who are like them. As soon as someone is different to them, they become wary, cautious, skeptical, and even afraid, why? Because we are tribal. We come from tribes. We like people who behave and speak like us. Now this is tricky since we are in such a global multicultural world. But nonetheless, it is doable. Professor Albert Mehrabian from the University of California, is best known for his work on verbal and nonverbal communication. He created a study analyzing the elements of communication. He then created the communication model, which identifies the three components that make up communication when talking about feelings and attitudes. They were, can you guess? You may already know. Body language is 55 percent of building rapport, vocal tone, 38 percent, and words? Yes, only 7%. percent. Yeah, what do we usually focus on? That's right, the words. Despite the fact that 93 percent of communication comes from how we communicate. What Mehrabian found was that when the words didn't match the tone of voice or body language, the viewer was more likely to trust the body language of the speaker over what the speaker said. Just how the message was said, was much more important than what was said. What if you were, as Mehrabian suggested, able to focus on the other person's body language, their posture, their arms, their facial expressions, their eye contact, even their breathing, the way they behaved. If you were able to somehow adapt your body language to theirs, you'd have the greatest chance of building rapport on an unconscious level with this person. Then you have the vocal tone. I was an opera singer and even then I didn't fully understand what vocal tone meant. Now, I get it. Your vocal tone is the way that you say something. Tone means that you are either fast or slow, high or low, nasal or warm. When you choose an intention, it affects everything. For example, when I reassure my voice becomes warm and slow, my body language becomes inclusive. When I inspire, my tone is brighter, louder and slightly harder. Here is a set of skills to help you connect easily, physically, vocally, and even with your content. It's called matching. Matching is where you adapt the way you communicate to the other person's style. How? Number 1, firstly you give the other person all of your attention. Number 2, you adapt, very, very, very subtly, match that person physically and vocally, 60 percent, not 100 percent, that's weird, that has the reverse effect. Number 3, repeat their words and phrases back to them. That last step is very, very advanced. When I was in London, I was coaching ad agencies and I met a wordsmith. He had this brown leather boat shoes and blue jeans which were rolled at the ankles, a white bonds shirt, round glasses, and a blue leather satchel, and he asked me, "How has your first week in London been?" I smiled and I said, "It's been great, it's been intense, but a lot of fun." "Fun? " He replied, "Yeah, fun," I said, and I was blushing. My colleague said, "Yeah, fun, she said fun why do you question where she had fun or not?" He said, "Oh, I just repeat the last word of anyone's phrase," and it worked. Even when I knew it was a device, I loved it. Because for the first time in a long time, I felt heard, really heard. Match people's body language, their vocal tone, and repeat their words and phrases back to them. They'll trust you even more. It's incredibly, incredibly powerful. When someone is serious, quiet and monotone, you're serious, quiet and monotone. If someone is loud, big and dynamic, you're loud, big and dynamic, you get the point yes? Now you may be thinking, "But I want to be myself. I don't want to pretend to be someone else." Yes, you should always be yourself and you should always be authentic. All you're doing is exaggerating a part of you which connects with that particular person. You do that already, don't you? After all you're different when you're at home, alone as opposed to when you're with your partner, as opposed to when you're with your friends or your family or with your colleagues. All you're doing is simply adjusting your style to connect with that particular person. It's already in you, you're just exaggerating that part of you. What if the other person can tell you're matching them? Is another question I always get. Well, you'd be surprise, but most people are in their own worlds. They hardly notice what you're saying, let alone what you're doing. Just keep practicing, and soon it will come so naturally to you that everyone will be your friend.
